Woke up late today, only to have myself cry so much with Mom afterwards. All the things that have been going on within my extended families and my family itself have put a strain on Mom and she just have to find me to pour everything out. But I'm really glad I'm there for her, to listen to her, to cry with her and to be right beside her when she needed the hug.

Even though going to Port Dickson this weekend is supposed to be a happy thing but planning the whole vacation has been full of trouble and frustration. End up, only two families going together... Whatnot, one family sacrificed two of its children's happiness and expectations just so the mother could spend time with the first child who have been away for three weeks. I just can't bear to accept such people - a selfish and indecisive mother. I know it's nothing wrong to spend time with the first child but to tell her other children that they were supposed to go on a vacation but end up cancelling it is just so cruel. She might as well not have told her other children about the vacation plan.

Another family caused another problem. The husband became a workaholic to the point whereby he won't even take time off from work just so he could spend more time with his children. I even heard that there were times when he would sleep at his work and not return home for a few days. His children are still growing up and they need more attention and family time together but you see, work is so important. Again, I know it's not wrong to work hard since his reason was because he want to give a better life for his family. But what is a better life if you got the money but the absence of a father figure?

I can't stand to see my cousins suffer quietly. I know I'm not anyone to say this since I do not even have a perfect family but I do feel for them.

Then the heart-to-heart talk moved on to revolve around my own family... I've been so blinded and naive for the past five years but silently, both Mom and Dad have been suffering so much because of my first brother's action. All I can say is that money is a scary thing; it may bring happiness to those who understand the need and value of it, but it may also bring sadness to those who have the money but not well spent for the right purposes.

Because of first brother, we have yet to fully pay back for the house we're living in right now. Do you know how much we still owe? $100,000 plus more. And we're still struggling to pay. With Dad's meager pay that has not been increasing even though he have been working for the same company for more than 15 years, it is never enough to provide for a normal living. But when first brother started working five years ago, his pay was much more than my father's but what did he do with the money? Invest and invest and invest... Did he even think about helping out and providing for the family. I'd say, hardly. He's been giving Mom lesser and lesser allowance even when his pay is gradually increasing. What is this?! You don't see the logic, do you? For these five years, both Mom and Dad have been patient with him but when the time comes next year, their patience will finally run thin. First brother will get a lot of money but if he never provide my parents parts of the money, then he is one heck of an insolent son.

My parents need the allowance so that they could save up... Not for themselves, but for their children's future. They don't mind if they have simple life when they get old but as long as their children's future is stable and successful, they'll be happy. I can't stand thinking how much they are still sacrificing their happiness and future for us, it will always make me cry. At this age, they are supposed to relax and enjoy their time together but they are still working hard for us. There have been times when Dad was planning to find and juggle another part-time job. I can't stand this. I simply want them to be happy...

Second brother is still the best. He wasn't so hesitant to give Mom some allowance even though his pay is not that huge.

One day, I will work really hard to repay, take care of them and let them enjoy their old age. I don't mind if I can't find happiness from a relationship if my other half think it's a burden to help me with my parents. I rather find happiness from my own family. Useless guys can wait, but I hope I'll find the decent ones to guide me along through difficulties.

Then Mom told me that she was born deformed and asked me this, "Are you going to feel embarrassed now that you know I was born deformed?"

Mom, no matter how deformed you are, to me and through all these years, you've been a perfect mother to me. I don't wish for anything else... Just you and your undying love.

And I'm grateful I was born as your daughter because I can fill up those lonely moments after Granny's death. I guess, my birth have been a miracle for you.

X

I lost this lively, humorous side of me ever since the time that all my mind think about is work, work and more work. If you realize, I hardly laugh at any lamest joke or funny moments. I'm envious of those who can laugh ever so freely; laugh from the bottom of their heart. I have this bored face 89% of the time.

I need someone who can make me laugh truly.

Before I turn into stone. Before my heart and soul turn into cold stone.

Busy Bee

Life has been so-so these past few weeks. Busy but not yet busy like a bee. The real busy starts when August kicks in, which is only a few days away. Dang! And fasting month also starting in a few days! Wondering how I'm supposed to conserve my energy while fasting when I got so many things to do.

Been signing up and volunteering for many events and charities. I decided a few months back that I gotta change my life and stop being such a lazy ass, thus, I'm drowning myself in events instead. But I don't mind really. It's time that I socialize myself with the world outside.

August: Completing 2 major projects. Attend JSXP Training Camp. Study like a witty insolent. Volunteer for L.I.F.E-ly Kidz Event. Fasting month.

September: Volunteer for food drive. Volunteer for JSXP for 2 weeks. Find work. Hari Raya.

October: Temporary work like there's no tomorrow. Volunteer for any charity events available.

That's how it goes. My free time are mainly set aside for studying, major projects, volunteering and working my ass off. I couldn't even think that I might have much time to go out with old friends since I'll be royally tired beyond comprehension. I need go buy Berroca soon to give me that extra energy boost to last for the next 3 busy months.

I think I get so busy most days that I would find myself multi-tasking like a boss. Eat and completing whatever important work there is. Either that or I thoroughly skip meals. Uh huh, I skip meals but not intentionally.

I HAVE TO SURVIVE THIS. Because I want to.

Contradictory Week

I really don't know whether to call this week awesome or nonsense, but obviously it's not within those two. I wanted to call it awesome because I'm ending the week with cool things to do, like attending Wagashi Day this Saturday, but at the same time the week just happen to end in a nonsensical way by itself. Why? Well, my phone started to bitch again and this time, its bitchy side has crossed the limits and I can't accept that.

I'm not going to blame anyone about why the phone is like that. Because it's quite obvious that Nokia phones are getting lousier by the years. Shame on you.

Real Estate Business project has also been sucking up most of my time and there's like a string of tests coming up next week. I'm as good as dead.

I need my vacation. I need to find some work to sustain my growing spending power too.

Life has been hard but I'm trying my best to live on.

What's with teachers and the male species? They're been telling me to smile more. Okay, I don't smile much but I'm not an emo kid. I mean, I only smile when I'm comfortable around the people I'm comfortable with. I don't smile freely and hey, are they saying they want to see my smile?

 Heh. Little did they know that my smile can be a killer smile if I give out too much of it.

Just kidding.

Anyways, the male species are more pressing about this matter. Seriously? Them? Want to see me smile more?

Are you trying to hit on me? Pfft. Wait long, long!

She's been hurt but she's stronger; lied to and now she's smarter; with heartbreak comes wisdom & now she refuses to settle.

(Sounds kinda like me, no?)

Oh the loveliness of school nowadays, with its merciless onslaught of projects, assignments and tests. Everything is very rushing and tiring, and I swear this is the main cause of my dwindling social life.


Dwindling? Hell yeah! Count how many invitations for outings I've rejected over the past 15 weeks. Don't think my mere 10 fingers could fit all that.
Because I need to rest and my Mom isn't giving me her permission to relish my youth, I fear that one day, these invitations will dwindle as well because no one will care to invite someone who won't be able to make it. That's what I used to fear...


But I thank God for those understanding friends who never give up in trying to get me out of the house to have fun with people of the same age. I'm just sorry that their efforts have been put to waste.
I know planning an outing isn't that easy nowadays, with people getting a little too busy with their lives and there will surely be clash of plannings.


However, like the saying goes: "We plan, God willings it."


I can't do anything about it, especially my life and its plans...


I just have to prepare to say this then. Hello, I'm Miss Zero-Social-Life.
Oh, bummer!

Fade to Black

It has been awhile, hasn't it? Since I last publish any decent post that doesn't involve anything about quotes, songs or dedication. It's quite awkward typing like this again, after going through weeks of tiresome routine. Yes, it has indeed been some tiring and mentally straining weeks of school (and term break that doesn't even act like one) for me, especially me. I'm at my breaking point now, as we speak...

Surely, those going through the same thing as me can cope and will say that I, too, can cope just like them.

But they know nothing.

Nothing of the fact that I'm facing a problem with my memory frames.

Here's the thing: I will forget any memory of past events or future plans (besides forgetting names, which I think is quite normal for idiots) if I ever stressed myself too much or mentally draining myself near to nothing.

It's a pain really, even when some would say that it'll be a good thing if I ever were to wish to delete those bad or hurtful memories. Of course I'll easily forget those type of memories...

But what of those good, sweet memories that I wish to hold on to?

They've fade away along with the ugly ones.

Just so you know, I don't remember anything that happened way before a year ago unless someone prompt some things into my brain. And worst still, I tend to not remember what I did or eat on previous days.

All that's left is an empty vessel that awaits to be filled before it empties itself. This cycle repeats itself.

And it seems that I will only think about completing a task, nothing else.

Triggers that I happened to observe:

- I get less than 4 hours of sleep

- I turn into an expressionless and cold-hearted bitch

- I look ill even though I'm not

- I snap at everyone, regardless of race, nationality, ranks or gender.

- I'll say this: "It's like I left my soul on my bed while only my body and brain is moving by itself."

- I'm too tired to care about anything irrelevant

- No one matters to me

- I'm suppressing whatever energy I have left to last through the day

I was still fine in school... Until I was on the way back home.

-Memories deleted-

Don't bother helping.

I can't be fixed.

Can I?

Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to apologize to whoever became/becomes the victim of my random whiplash of harsh words. Also, do forgive humble me if I don't remember you at all even if we just met a few weeks ago.

Dare I call it; Retrograde Amnesia (Impaired ability to recall past events and previously familiar information)

"Most people with amnestic syndrome have problems with short-term memory — they can't retain new information. Many also have some degree of impaired memory recall. Recent memories are most likely to be lost, while more remote or deeply ingrained memories may be spared. Someone may recall experiences from childhood or know the names of past presidents, but not be able to name the current president or remember what month it is or what was for breakfast.

The memory loss doesn't affect a person's intelligence, general knowledge, awareness, attention span, judgment, personality or identity. People with amnestic syndrome usually can understand written and spoken words and can learn skills such as bike riding or piano playing. They may also understand that they have a memory disorder.

Amnesia isn't the same as dementia. Dementia often includes memory loss, but it also involves other significant cognitive problems that lead to a decline in the ability to carry out daily activities. A pattern of forgetfulness is also a common symptom of mild cognitive impairment (MCI), but the memory and other cognitive problems in MCI aren't as severe as those experienced in dementia." -Mayo Clinic

So don't be mistaken. If I'm good at memorizing for examinations, it's not solely from my memory, but from my understanding of what I'm reading.

I'm so fucking screwed up, aren't I?

Am I really over you or am I just trying to live my life without you...

Why is it always easier to confide to a stranger than your own best friend?


My guess is that it is more comfortable and reassuring to let a stranger know your problems and give you advice on something that you think is too embarrassing for your own best friend to know. Ugh, I don't know how to explain it but this is how I think. I tell a stranger, stranger listens and help, I thank stranger and that's the end of confiding the stranger, knowing that I won't be communicating or meeting that stranger ever again. Unlike a best friend who would keep pestering you (out of concern, we all know) about that matter even though you only want to think about it only once. Anyways, no one really wants to feel guilty. So best friends, don't pester me when I don't wish to be pestered. I know you mean well but that's just how I want it to be.

That's how I came to be like this. A win-win situation for all where all is fair in love and war - I don't confide to any strangers or my own best friends but instead, just keep it all bottled up in myself. End product: I close myself up from the world and I become a person so difficult to open up everything that has been unhealthily bottled up. It's eating me from the insides. Argh, how screwed up can I be? I'm stubborn, I don't like to confide to anyone, I'm selfish.

Am I really over you or am I just trying to live my life without you..?


As depressing as it may be, I've been feeding myself with lies after lies and hoping that it would be the former instead of the latter. Who was I kidding? I'm still trying my very best to move along in life without the thought of you overshadowing my life.

I sound pathetic that I feel like eating myself alive. And you're the cause of it all.

Utter Boredom

The silence at home is getting louder and it's eating every last bit of my sanity. It's a wonder, really, how those kids with no siblings manage to survive at home. Oh you know it, I'll be one heck of a lonely girl at home since my 1st brother went to Perth earlier this morning for a 4-days getaway while my 2nd brother is still at Pulau Tekong, attending his military school. (The latter is the reason why I get to type this post from his iPod Touch. I'm sinister.)

All I have to survive is this empty 4 days without any of my brothers. I hope there won't be any awkward moments with my parents... It'll be so bad that I think I could just eat myself alive. Currently, eating brunch alone is already unbearable. I'm trying my best to also not trouble my parents seeing that Mum is always tired and Dad has some problems with his leg. Now you know it, I'm quite a troublesome kid at home if there's nothing to humor me.

To pass up the quiet times, I decided to take it upon myself to find recipes to bake for Father's Day, 1st brother's birthday and 2nd brother's return and I finally made my decision to make Raspberry Swirls Cheesecake Cupcakes since it could make 31 cups of it :) Can't wait! I'll share about my experince of making them if it ever turn out to be a great success, considering that none experience any form of stomach discomfort. Hnhh...
Ooooohh yeah. There'll only be me during Father's Day this year. Kinda pathetic but I hope the belated celebration for Dad next week can make it up for it.

Well, that aside. I've also been doing some excessive reading online, be it manga or fanfiction that has been sugar-induced to the point that I get a little too carried away with my wild imagination.

I guess that's about it. Time for more I'm-making-myself-even-more-bored moments at home!
Till next time! :)


A!

Hypophrenia

Hypophrenia - a vague feeling of sadness, seemingly without cause.

Oh, I get that a lot of times.

It was such cliché, really. When you think a soap opera would be ending now that the hero and the lady finally got together, suddenly another protagonist made its debut. It's solely me, really. Straying. Betraying.

Maybe it was like being drunk. Inebriated by all the undivided attention he showered on me.

You always want what you can't have. You always want more than you need.

'Cause the truth is, wanting is fleeting, needing is forever.

Wanting is anomalous. Needing is norm.

I'm sorry for being the reason for you to doubt me.

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