Woke up late today, only to have myself cry so much with Mom afterwards. All the things that have been going on within my extended families and my family itself have put a strain on Mom and she just have to find me to pour everything out. But I'm really glad I'm there for her, to listen to her, to cry with her and to be right beside her when she needed the hug.

Even though going to Port Dickson this weekend is supposed to be a happy thing but planning the whole vacation has been full of trouble and frustration. End up, only two families going together... Whatnot, one family sacrificed two of its children's happiness and expectations just so the mother could spend time with the first child who have been away for three weeks. I just can't bear to accept such people - a selfish and indecisive mother. I know it's nothing wrong to spend time with the first child but to tell her other children that they were supposed to go on a vacation but end up cancelling it is just so cruel. She might as well not have told her other children about the vacation plan.

Another family caused another problem. The husband became a workaholic to the point whereby he won't even take time off from work just so he could spend more time with his children. I even heard that there were times when he would sleep at his work and not return home for a few days. His children are still growing up and they need more attention and family time together but you see, work is so important. Again, I know it's not wrong to work hard since his reason was because he want to give a better life for his family. But what is a better life if you got the money but the absence of a father figure?

I can't stand to see my cousins suffer quietly. I know I'm not anyone to say this since I do not even have a perfect family but I do feel for them.

Then the heart-to-heart talk moved on to revolve around my own family... I've been so blinded and naive for the past five years but silently, both Mom and Dad have been suffering so much because of my first brother's action. All I can say is that money is a scary thing; it may bring happiness to those who understand the need and value of it, but it may also bring sadness to those who have the money but not well spent for the right purposes.

Because of first brother, we have yet to fully pay back for the house we're living in right now. Do you know how much we still owe? $100,000 plus more. And we're still struggling to pay. With Dad's meager pay that has not been increasing even though he have been working for the same company for more than 15 years, it is never enough to provide for a normal living. But when first brother started working five years ago, his pay was much more than my father's but what did he do with the money? Invest and invest and invest... Did he even think about helping out and providing for the family. I'd say, hardly. He's been giving Mom lesser and lesser allowance even when his pay is gradually increasing. What is this?! You don't see the logic, do you? For these five years, both Mom and Dad have been patient with him but when the time comes next year, their patience will finally run thin. First brother will get a lot of money but if he never provide my parents parts of the money, then he is one heck of an insolent son.

My parents need the allowance so that they could save up... Not for themselves, but for their children's future. They don't mind if they have simple life when they get old but as long as their children's future is stable and successful, they'll be happy. I can't stand thinking how much they are still sacrificing their happiness and future for us, it will always make me cry. At this age, they are supposed to relax and enjoy their time together but they are still working hard for us. There have been times when Dad was planning to find and juggle another part-time job. I can't stand this. I simply want them to be happy...

Second brother is still the best. He wasn't so hesitant to give Mom some allowance even though his pay is not that huge.

One day, I will work really hard to repay, take care of them and let them enjoy their old age. I don't mind if I can't find happiness from a relationship if my other half think it's a burden to help me with my parents. I rather find happiness from my own family. Useless guys can wait, but I hope I'll find the decent ones to guide me along through difficulties.

Then Mom told me that she was born deformed and asked me this, "Are you going to feel embarrassed now that you know I was born deformed?"

Mom, no matter how deformed you are, to me and through all these years, you've been a perfect mother to me. I don't wish for anything else... Just you and your undying love.

And I'm grateful I was born as your daughter because I can fill up those lonely moments after Granny's death. I guess, my birth have been a miracle for you.

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