Fade to Black

It has been awhile, hasn't it? Since I last publish any decent post that doesn't involve anything about quotes, songs or dedication. It's quite awkward typing like this again, after going through weeks of tiresome routine. Yes, it has indeed been some tiring and mentally straining weeks of school (and term break that doesn't even act like one) for me, especially me. I'm at my breaking point now, as we speak...

Surely, those going through the same thing as me can cope and will say that I, too, can cope just like them.

But they know nothing.

Nothing of the fact that I'm facing a problem with my memory frames.

Here's the thing: I will forget any memory of past events or future plans (besides forgetting names, which I think is quite normal for idiots) if I ever stressed myself too much or mentally draining myself near to nothing.

It's a pain really, even when some would say that it'll be a good thing if I ever were to wish to delete those bad or hurtful memories. Of course I'll easily forget those type of memories...

But what of those good, sweet memories that I wish to hold on to?

They've fade away along with the ugly ones.

Just so you know, I don't remember anything that happened way before a year ago unless someone prompt some things into my brain. And worst still, I tend to not remember what I did or eat on previous days.

All that's left is an empty vessel that awaits to be filled before it empties itself. This cycle repeats itself.

And it seems that I will only think about completing a task, nothing else.

Triggers that I happened to observe:

- I get less than 4 hours of sleep

- I turn into an expressionless and cold-hearted bitch

- I look ill even though I'm not

- I snap at everyone, regardless of race, nationality, ranks or gender.

- I'll say this: "It's like I left my soul on my bed while only my body and brain is moving by itself."

- I'm too tired to care about anything irrelevant

- No one matters to me

- I'm suppressing whatever energy I have left to last through the day

I was still fine in school... Until I was on the way back home.

-Memories deleted-

Don't bother helping.

I can't be fixed.

Can I?

Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to apologize to whoever became/becomes the victim of my random whiplash of harsh words. Also, do forgive humble me if I don't remember you at all even if we just met a few weeks ago.

Dare I call it; Retrograde Amnesia (Impaired ability to recall past events and previously familiar information)

"Most people with amnestic syndrome have problems with short-term memory — they can't retain new information. Many also have some degree of impaired memory recall. Recent memories are most likely to be lost, while more remote or deeply ingrained memories may be spared. Someone may recall experiences from childhood or know the names of past presidents, but not be able to name the current president or remember what month it is or what was for breakfast.

The memory loss doesn't affect a person's intelligence, general knowledge, awareness, attention span, judgment, personality or identity. People with amnestic syndrome usually can understand written and spoken words and can learn skills such as bike riding or piano playing. They may also understand that they have a memory disorder.

Amnesia isn't the same as dementia. Dementia often includes memory loss, but it also involves other significant cognitive problems that lead to a decline in the ability to carry out daily activities. A pattern of forgetfulness is also a common symptom of mild cognitive impairment (MCI), but the memory and other cognitive problems in MCI aren't as severe as those experienced in dementia." -Mayo Clinic

So don't be mistaken. If I'm good at memorizing for examinations, it's not solely from my memory, but from my understanding of what I'm reading.

I'm so fucking screwed up, aren't I?